View nilam sari's profile on LinkedIn

the following blog description is a relic from the days when i thought "yolo" is the coolest answer to every question. i do believe that people change and you should too. enjoy:

my name is Nilam. big mac is my best friend. originally indonesian but currently staying in singapore johor actually for studies. i'm a big package with AWESOMETASTIC stuffs in it and this is my 7th blog. say hi to my 7th blog I swear this is my last blog. just wait for my updates! p.s. you don't really need to read my blog if you don't like my gross language and these are my links: -Twitter -Facebook -DeviantArt

"i’m kinda scared" i said, trying to tell how i feel about this whole ‘leaving’ thing.
“of what?” she asked.
“i’m scared that people will forget me” i never wanted to make myself sound so desperate, but i needed to get my worries off my chest.
she went silent for a moment and chuckled “i’m not scared of being forgotten, i’m scared of forgetting” she said in a serious tone that i’ve never heard much from her. before i could say anything to it, she laughed and brushed it off as a joke. and i wondered if i could ever forget people
one of the very good friends of mine i’m starting to forget

do people still read my blog

because i sure as hell don’t. but talking to no one in particular has always been my greatest pleasure since this blog was born. i’m so proud of u nyam cat

i’ve been thinking about changing my blog title to something more hella. i mean nyam cat is great but it’s just my meme phase (which i would still embrace until forever) and i feel like i need something more suitable to celebrate my new step to adulthood because i just turned 20 on monday!!!!

i’m changing the name of this blog to nyamventure. VERY ADULT.

but yeah it was great! i went to pay a visit to dad’s grave in the morning and i sobbed like a baby who pissed her badly worn diaper. looking back, just to step my feet on the cemetery ground was already a big improvement for me. and i brought dad orchids since he’d always said that they were his favorite flowers. i hope he likes em!

sads aside, i went to this new place in kemang with bilgis, bunga, azka, and keziah (people always get excited whenever they’re mentioned on my blog. i wonder if you guys still read this but, you’re welcome) to play a real life escape the room game! it’s called “Escape Hunt” just like the online free escape the room game i used to play with aulia to kill our boredom in our middle school years, we have to find clues and solve cases with a time limit but in real life. you know that feel when you can’t click the shit that you thought would help you? now you can lift and turn the chair upside down and no one can stop you.

it was fun and we were so pleased i felt like i was 29729392x smarter when we got out of the room (while all we did was whine and complain the entire game because it was HARD)

also, i was a chief detective for an hour. can’t you tell how hard i felt the sinichi kudo in me?? bless this game

anyways too bad they need credit cards or paypal accounts to make online reservation BUT as for us fear not i got a money-filled-paypal account because now i’m a full fledged adult who makes money and swag. i can buy 50 rolls of toilet paper online and find myself in the bathroom as i cry vodka out in the next morning. still no one can stop me.

i thought people forgot about my birthday but apparently they didn’t and it made me happy. even if it was a last minute cake which was later shared with 5 people after a little fumbling and failed surprise from the mas mas waiter, it really was a sweet cake. i’m really grateful…

somewhere during dinner i got a message from brena saying that she couldn’t go to dufan with me on the next day, which she had promised me since 3 months ago probably. i kinda figured that would happen but i thought she’d spare some time for my birthday. i got a bit upset when she said she couldn’t see me that night either. BUT i’m a full fledged adult and i will make my way to get everything i want with my own power. and i did. i’m unstoppable.

she also gave me a little surprise cake which i didn’t really expect. i got too caught up feeling relieved that i could see her that day but hey cakes would never cease to make me happier. i know i’ve told the whole world a gazzillion times, but, she’s my favorite person in the entire universe dont even try 2 question me

but she promised we’d go to dufan on the 9th of july for sure. apparently her busy being has something to do with this president election campaign. so if on wednesday, july the 9th of 2014 you don’t find me at dunia fantasi taman impian jaya ancol, expect to see me on the news i will fukckijfkss-

and before midnight a finally got a birthday text from aulia. when i saw the preview i was like ‘dude you could’ve told me earlier this afternoon when we met’ but it was really sweet i think i teared up a bit. if you’re going to hell i’d jump right down to hell with you. then again we’re probably gonna get blazed in hell together for our sins. i’m gonna miss you so bad once i leave dude you and novri are the only jerks i need in my life

all the wishes made me happy, even some of my friends on tumblr drew me birthday gifts and it means a lot to me. life is gr8

i can’t find a better and alternative way to say this but i’m really grateful that i’m still breathing today. i’m glad i didn’t end it. really really really glad. life is indeed still worth living. i promise i’ll be a better person, for everyone i owe my happiness to. and pay you all back a thousand times

i didn’t realize my blog was this… embarrassing…..

but yeah looking back at your old blog is kinda embarrassing….


…..no, i fucking lied, it’s so embarrassing i cringe at every word i wrote and makes me wanna question my entire 19 years of shameless existence. please don’t go through my archives LET THE PAST BE THE PAST.

fyi this blog is 5 years old now! tho i don’t update much in the past two years because of reasons.. actually i was just trying to look a bit emotional lol yolo the truth is i was just too lazy to write things that are not that interesting to me. i mean, i’m here blogging just to entertain me and myself only. no one else is reading this but whatevs life is a competition and i’m not letting anyone winning at entertaining myself the best. i  n e e d  t o  w i n.

anyway last time i made a really sad post because i was really sad but sads don’t last forever. my dad is gone and i just have to accept it and after months i finally managed to. took me long enough but we’re not gonna talk about that BECAUSE GUESS WHO GETS TO LEAVE THIS COUNTRY IN 3 MONTHS

i got accepted to Maryland Institute College of Art in Baltimore!! not only that, they grant me a scholarship too!!! you don’t know how much of a relief it was for me. it feels so so so much better than unleashing the bomb inside your tummy after holding a fart for a whole day.bless toilets.

not only that, The Ministry of Education also granted me a scholarship! they will cover the rest of the tuition and dorm fees. what a great time to be alive. i’d like to thank not only mr.president but also bapak susilo bambang yudhoyono. jk i luv u sby thank for da money, i will try to not getting wasted in someone else’s country this time.

but in return, i have to keep a good academic performance. the gov asked me to be active in clubs and if possible get part time jobs during breaks and holidays. i know i owe a lot of money but DUDE i’ll be either broke or have no friends. just, sla y m e.. ..

i’m really thankful!! i know people might think my decision to quit raffles 6 months before graduation was reckless or a waste or anything, you can judge all you want but hey, it took me this far.

it took me almost 20 years to understand the most important things in my life, and i’m finally content with it. it’s not perfect yet but i’m sure i’ll make it better! i still have a loooong way to go but now i know what i’m doing. p r a i s e   t h e  l o r d . well maybe i could never get rid of the habit of jumping right down the cliff without thinking much of what’s gonna happen next (or as i usually call as ‘do it for the yolo’) BUT it’s fun. i’m always proud of my choices (not really what you’d call choices since i’ve never thought about it much) i don’t regret any decisions i’ve made either! i was never wrong, i was never right, but i’m lovin’ it like mcdonalds.

i mean, life is just too short to dawdle on flushed shit, the world is too big to sit in the comfort zone forever.


but for real,

i’m really grateful that i’m still breathing today. really. i’m really thankful everyone made me realize that pills, ropes, or knives were never a solution. after all,

life is still worth living.

20/03/2014, 15:07 GMT+7

Hello guys, it’s been so long since the last time i updated, huh?

A month ago, my father passed away. He died from the cancer he’d been struggling with since i was in my junior year of high school, which was 3 years ago. The day i heard of my father’s disease, i knew i’d lose him before i could start a new family. He looked everywhere for a cure. Medicines, treatments, injections, surgery, you name it. A month before his death, he told me the doctors had given up. A day before he took his last breath, he told me he didn’t want to leave me yet.

Three years ago i locked myself in my room and cried, didn’t know who to tell that devastating news to. A day later i told a friend about it. Few months later i told a few of the others. But the pain and weight in my chest didn’t lift up, not even a bit.

Honestly, i was never that close with my family. In fact, it could be considered broken. None of them were ever there. Or, to be more precise, they ruined my childhood.

My relationship with my father was unpleasant and i’d rather not mention anything about it. My mum was kind, but never too kind to actually care about my life. I was like a pet to her, she’d only treat me kindly if i behave and ignore me if i don’t. My brother used to beat me up whenever he was having a bad day, or if i happened to be on his way. Up until middle school, i thought it was just the way it was until i realized it was not.

On my last year of middle school, i experienced panic attacks once in a while. Not knowing what it was, i thought it was only an unpleasant emotional condition.

On my middle school graduation day, none of my family member was there to see me. I swore to myself that i would, and could, do anything on my own without relying on anyone else. I did.

On the second semester of junior year of high school, the panic attacks gradually occurred more frequently. And i had been experiencing both audial and motoric hallucination quite often, and a seldom visual hallucination as well. I told my parents about it but they didn’t believe me until i begged and bowed low down on their feet crying out loud for a medical treatment.

Since that day, my life turned upside down and my parents treated me nicely. They turned 180 degrees from who they used to be. I was spoiled, they bought me everything i wanted, they gave me everything i needed. But that didn’t change the fact that they had taken my sanity away from me. The chemicals in my brain might come to its stable condition again one day, but the crack and missing pieces in my heart would probably not.

Ever since i went back and forth to hospitals and took ridiculous amount of medications, i thought it was probably too much for me to face everything on my own. I tried to believe in my parents with the last pieces of trust that i had.

On the last semester of my high school, i left the city and went abroad to pursue higher level of education without finished the previous one. I had to leave high school with no other choice to keep moving on my education. But it didn’t work. My illness kept me suffering. I quit 6 months before my graduation and went back home with a broken heart and a broken trust built by a mother who once promised me a content life. I ran away to the last person i could believe in, a father.

A month before my father’s death, i wondered and asked a friend, who could i rely on if one day the last person i could trust was taken away by God? I had not found an answer by the time God did it.

A few weeks later, i was looking for a way out, thinking of suicide. I could not take the pain caused by my illness anymore, i could not bring myself onto taking another step on the painful path that i had been going through all this time anymore. No one was there to help. I reached out to several suicidal hotline for help but they were not helping at all. the pain was overwhelming. I decided not to take any foolish action due to the belief that God will hate me if i ever commit a suicide. Fear was the last thing that kept me living.

A few days after that, they took my father to the hospital. Not so long after that, i lost him. I lost everything that i forgot about every pain that i had had. I shut myself from everyone around me.

Last week, i got a gleeful news from the art school i applied to. I got admitted for their Fall 2014 intake. The next day my heart was shattered into thousands of pieces together with my dream and my future. Without my father, the family funds would not be able to support my education. I prayed to God for my last chance on scholarship. I looked at my mother with disgust and distrust in my eyes ever since that day.

A few days ago, my brother threw a tantrum at my mother. He yelled and she screamed back. Nothing in this house was ever right since the day father left. Not like it had been, in the first place. Everyone went back to their routines. This house was definitely too big for one person, but my heart was too full to even hold a place for my own self.

Today i found out that my mother had been suffering from a disease she got when she gave birth to me. The doctor told her that her time would come when i turn 16. I am now 19 and my aunt told me that she is getting weaker day by day from the disease that was said to be one in a thousand. The only cure to it is a high risk surgery that she did not want to take.

Maybe, maybe God will take her away from me too soon. I don’t believe in her, but she’s the last person that i have, the last person that could give me a physical home and financial support. If she ever leave, my brother would leave me as well, he’d find a way out of a burden like me. I’ll be on my own all over again, this time, without any shadow to cover me from the harsh world.

Breathing has been really hard for me lately. I shut myself from the outside world. Every day and every night i would wake up and fall asleep crying, running and screaming in my nightmares. I wished for miracles but all i got was a terrifying reality. Facts by facts hit me hard each time i figured things out. I couldn’t find a way out, not even an emergency exit. Every time i close my eyes, i wish they would never open again. I wish when they do, i would see my dad. It hurts breathing.. It hurts living.. The pain is unbearable. It’s something words could never express. There is no way someone would understand by reading this.

If only, if only someone would tell me that i deserve more than this. I wish someone would tell me that i deserve more than a broken heart, a broken home, and a broken future. So i could believe in it, and wish for it. I want to die, i don’t want to breathe anymore, i don’t want to suffer anymore, i don’t want to feel pain anymore. But i realized that in the end, all along all i wanted was to live, not to die. My feet and shoulders are tired of carrying all the weight that I was not supposed to carry. I can’t walk on my own anymore. I’m scared. It’s getting scarier for every breath that i take. I want to be saved. I want to be saved. I want to be saved. I want someone to find this post and save me. Please. Help me. I don’t want to be alone. I don’t want anyone to be taken away from me. I don’t want to feel this pain anymore. Help me. Help me. Someone save me.

cause i’m bored, yknow

01. 12:26 AM

02. Name – Nilam
03. Astrology sign – Cancer
04. Gender - pretty gurl
05. Eye color – very dark brown
06. Favorite color(s) – bright colors!!
07. Glasses – yup
08. Location – different places on earth
09. Single or taken – *COUGH* not
10. Brother and sister’s names – kiki the ungrateful bro

Have you ever:
11. Cut your own hair – i do that everytime
12. Done something that you regret – i don’t regret a single thing in my life
13. Skipped school – hella lot
14. Bungee-jumped – would like to try someday!
15. Punched someone – why don’t you ask my fist
16. Cheated on a test – on every goddamn test
17. Been cheated on – not that i’ve had someone who would cheat on me
18. Broke into someone’s house – i used to go to this friend’s house even when she wasn’t home yet
19. Been out of the country – a lot i guess that i can’t decide which one’s home
20. Been to a funeral – to my friend’s mother funeral. it was the first and was unpleasant so i never went to any funeral after that
21. Used a lighter – played with them all the time
22. Been on a stage – hells yea!!

23. Season – summer!
24. Food – sushi and burger
25. Ice cream flavor – green tea, and banana for yoghurt
26. Candy – any lemon flavored
27. Person – i’ve always thought if someone ask who my favorite person is i would answer that it’s one of my senior, she inspires me even until now. WELL i guess everyone knows her name i’m too embarrassed to type it
28. Book – any book that doesn’t use past tense. i know it’s weird but past tense passage turns me off
29. Song – can’t name them all, mostly alternative rock kind of music
30. River – clean and shallow ones 
31. Place – rooftops
32. Sport to watch on TV – baseball match! though i’d like to watch it on field too
33. Disney movie(s) – after all the time lion king is still the best
34. Disney Princess – ariel and belle cause they’re sooo pretty
35. Name for a daughter – Karin
36. Name for a son – Dio

Do you prefer:
36. Chocolate or vanilla – vanilla
37. Coffee or Cappuccino – cappuccino
38. One night stands or long relationships – long relationships
39. Cats or dogs – dogs cause i’m a dog person and i love doggy style
40. Scary movies or comedies – comedies or i’ll die
41. Short or long hair on the preferred sex – any cuties go well with any hair :$
42. Croutons or bacon bits – croutons bcs i love carbohydrate

First things that come to mind:
43. Chainsaws – don’t kill me
44. School – ugly
45. Cows – milk
46. Canada – nice
47. Mouse – tom and jerry
48. Hand – HOLD THEM

The past 3 days, have you:
49. Talked on the phone – yeah, though i missed most of phone calls lately
50. Watched a movie – yep some motherfucking horse movie bcs my friends were watching it when i hit their place
51. Cried – nope my life is pretty relaxing lately
52. Drank a glass of water – of course are you expecting me to fill this shit but not drinking water
53. Read a book or magazine – was about to……… okay i will do it i just bought a new book
54. Watched TV – i watched ellen’s show on youtube… tv enough
55. Looked in the mirror – yes of course
56. Taken a shower – yes i’m clean
57. Taken a picture – yes, there was an event yesterday so picture everywhere
58. Listened to music – right now
59. Told someone you love/like them – nope, i suck at saying l-l-l-l-lo-lov-love

The End:
60. What time is it – 12:50 it is


Fucking love this

reblog for the “only crotch”


Fucking love this

reblog for the “only crotch”

(Source: gore-pop, via inappropriatesidekick)

party in da class

today is the day…

I FINALLY GOT THE COURAGE TO OPEN TUMBLR IN CLASS. fugyea i’m now an adult *checking bucket list* it’s always scaring because i’m afraid some dicks will eventually show up on the top of my dashboard. it’s like opening dick shaped jack in a box.

anyway i’m currently leha leha-ing in class doing nothing while the others are all doing their assignments and listening to the lectures…. actually nobody’s listening to my lecturer right now. there there.

guess what. i’m going to one *cough* direction *cough* store *cough* after class with some friends. it’s the first 1D store in asia you bitchas i’m outta here i gotta give my boys some kiss… oh stahp it one direction :$ i probably gonna *cough* get *cough* their *cough* cap *cough* i’m gonna watch their movie next goddamn week. nial is my fav boy because his name is similar to mine. pretty legit reason to give a boy a special attention.

anyways, aside from the fingerling time…. WHATDAFUDGE auto correct?? i wanted to say fangirling time but it changed to fingerling?? fingering? seriously? i’m not that jablay oh stahp it u guize *blush blush blush*

again, aside from the FANGIRLING time, i think i’m gonna make a channel on youtube (not that i haven’t) what should i do should i make it or should i not make it but but but i’m not that bu- I DON’T CARE i’m gonna make it anyway *troll face*

and now it’s an in-class assignment time… a student gotta do what a student gotta do *le sigh* bye peepz

ass kicked (finally) part two

now im finally at johor kingdom, leha leha-ing on my bed, drinking fanta which is not my favorite drink, eating canned pineapple, while waiting for my double portioned indomie (sorry mum, sorry tummy, sorry new pair of shorts, but fatty food are sure yummy especially when they’re doubled) life is just too daaaamn good atm. even mikki chills with me aw yisss

and im posting this on my phone….. BUT, i found this lil dude here in my room……

damn rude phone it cant put pictures on posts!!!!!

anyway what i found was a wireless logitech keyboard for ipad which is definitely my brother’s. now keyboard aBUSING TIME *keyboard smashing* this thing is so bendi (yea i speak japneeze now you got problem?) sigh why cant i be normal for once goddammit

back to topic, i finally watched the sequel of kick ass! now if you follow my blog dilligently…. or yknow… stalk :) :) :) the only good movie reviews i’ve ever written were machette (ohyes) and kick ass. now that this movie has been released IMMA TOTALLY WRITE A GOOD ONE ON THIS BABE. here it goes!!!

(pssh i watched it last week but khalil was staying at my apartment so i cant be funny while he’s around cause i’m a sweetheart at heart :> stahp it u)

i watched it with sheena and maria on the very last minute after buying some food and brought it to the theaters illegally. the movie started. first of all, aaron johnson looked like shit. he used to look like a sex god on movies other than kick ass. but i dont care because hey hit girl was cool (despite the fact that she didnt grow boobs) this time, kick ass 2, was even more awesome because of the new nicknames…. and free tits :l i shouldn’t have bought maria the ticket considering she’s still a minor *a party bitchin minor to be exact* anyway sheena was gaping and shocked when she saw free tits and i was the only one was like

"hells yea this is the best movie ever"

i would totally love to see them dicks. just kidding i’m not that wild i’m a sweetheart at heart 0:) speaking of dicks, i forgot to mention that i’ve been shoving kaleidoskop and call it an extra dick to this laos guy i met few weeks ago when we had a sleepover at maria’s house. that was totally off topic but who cares it’s still them dicks.

anyway the nicknames was epic like who would call a lingerie head villain motherfucker with a serious tone. twelve out of ten this movie owns.

but HEyYy my indomie is here so it’s time to eat sorry guys gotta update more later so bubye kicked asses!!

if you’re having a bad day, i found this while looking at my old folders. you’re welcome. to make you feel even better, i found this on my 19th birthday

if you’re having a bad day, i found this while looking at my old folders. you’re welcome. to make you feel even better, i found this on my 19th birthday


i know it’s been forever, this might not be a goofy or funny post you usually see on my blog… maybe a little blue but it won’t be that sad i promise! i will explain why i did this and why do i sound like i have so many readers when there’s actually just a few friends and blog walkers reading this. i won’t be able to blog as much as i did before because of some stuffs i’m gonna explain here. and i might as well stop blogging for a while, again, because of some stuffs i’m gonna explain here so… listen

i started blogging on tumblr because i thought it was fun, my friend aulia made her blog here before me. and then i joined tumblr because it looks better than the other blog i’ve had before! then novri, khalil, rima, like everyone made their tumblr too. and somehow, i don’t know why, i feel like i could be my own self here. not forcing myself to post stuffs or forcing myself to make everything look wonderful like my old blogs. because it was wonderful, everything in my life, the happy ones even the sad ones… i cherished it so much.

I always have this delusion every time i write on my blog i feel like i talk to millions of people, i always feel that they’re real and it really feels like i’m talking to somebody out there like how i write this now. even when i know that nobody reads my post i always feel like i’m talking to loads and loads of people and it’s refreshing. i share my daily life here, talking about my school, my friends, and other stuffs too.

but lately, i don’t feel like sharing my days anymore. i do have a lot of fun. i do enjoy my days. but something is lacking… i miss something that i don’t even know what it is. there’s this something that always makes me proud of everything but it’s gone… i don’t know where it is, i don’t even know what it is. i feel like i’m missing a big part of my life. it happened after i moved to singapore. i left so many friends….. i was sad but there’s nothing i could do, moving to singapore was my only choice and my only way to fix my life. then months have passed. some people started to forget me. a year has passed. other people did too. i feel so lonely, even when i’m surrounded by all the nice new friends here. they care so much about me. but i don’t get the feel i used to feel.

i tried to blog one of my most happiest day here, but i couldn’t… it made me sad. all i could do now is share my feelings which is not entertaining at all. one day, i’m gonna go out there again, posting stuffs that real millions of people would really enjoy. whatever it is, i will make millions of people happy.


aaaaaaaaaaaaallllll alone

not that i don’t like it….

nah the truth is i don’t like being alone BOOHOOOHOOO *sobbing so hard as hard as titit gajah* damn i just wish i had a company. so here i am waiting for my driver to pick mum up and come here to get me outta here

some of the reasons why i am here:

  • my class got cancelled when i was already there
  • people are too tired to deal with me until 11pm
  • this place is amazeballs, thanks to teru, ifa, maria and the others for letting me know about this dayyymn cozy place
  • well my mum went to korea for work but she didn’t even tell me earlier so i could tag along and enjoy daebak food and stuffs. she’s a meanie

well i’d choose starb*cks over coffeeb*an but this place is open for 24 hours! i can make myself feel like home here…. you’re welcome :)


guess what happened today? my first class of the new term got cancelled (i did told you) and what did they plan for us for the ‘make up’? they made us go on a boat tourist tour in clarke quay. i was like WHAT BOAT WAIT THE RIVER?

damn wait i haven’t fucking told you guys that my campus moved to clarke quay. it’s getting even more gaul than before i know!! i can go karaoke-ing and sing on the top of my lungs after class, i would drink and get drunk if i could……….. cough cough cough? now i can choose between mcd and burger king for lunch or brunch, and the best thing is that now i can spend my time galau-ing over “mcd or bk” at the riverbank!! WELCOME TO DA RIVER *hippo face*

but yeah the boat tour was annoying. i almost puked because i haven’t eaten anything nor slept since yesterday. not a single bite and not a single second… SPEAKING OF EATINGGGG guess who’s gonna make a great great awesometastic campaign about “moving on”, “tobat”, and “diet”?

i call it #nilamMTD

move on, tobat, diet. three things that i’m gonna achieve and try to do starting from 5th of May 2013. i’ll start to move on, i’ll start to do my prayer again, i’ll start to go on a diet (i’ve started it now tho) if you ask me why 5th of May it’s because it’s gonna be the day i’m gonna come back from bandung. i don’t wanna spend my days there without yummy food of course! and nope haven’t bought the ticket but whatevs no one can stop me.

ugh i’m feeling sick i guess that’s because i haven’t gulped anything but coffee and latte for 24 hours…… i need some sleep too. so bye guys i’m gonna continue enjoying myself here in the cafe thinking about stuffs i shouldn’t be thinking too much about

i miss my cool highschool… really. i just miss being loved




Everyone who reblogs this will get the title of a book to read based on their bio/posts.

Everyone. I mean it.




they really do mean everyone

i’ll give this a try!

(via inappropriatesidekick)

johnny i thought you were hacked on twitter, turned out youre only turning mushy

i guess i am…..

draw you close to me from nilampwns on 8tracks Radio.

i’m bored so i made a mixtape!! i just wish you could listen to this… COUGH