Hello guys, it’s been so long since the last time i updated, huh?
A month ago, my father passed away. He died from the cancer he’d been struggling with since i was in my junior year of high school, which was 3 years ago. The day i heard of my father’s disease, i knew i’d lose him before i could start a new family. He looked everywhere for a cure. Medicines, treatments, injections, surgery, you name it. A month before his death, he told me the doctors had given up. A day before he took his last breath, he told me he didn’t want to leave me yet.
Three years ago i locked myself in my room and cried, didn’t know who to tell that devastating news to. A day later i told a friend about it. Few months later i told a few of the others. But the pain and weight in my chest didn’t lift up, not even a bit.
Honestly, i was never that close with my family. In fact, it could be considered broken. None of them were ever there. Or, to be more precise, they ruined my childhood.
My relationship with my father was unpleasant and i’d rather not mention anything about it. My mum was kind, but never too kind to actually care about my life. I was like a pet to her, she’d only treat me kindly if i behave and ignore me if i don’t. My brother used to beat me up whenever he was having a bad day, or if i happened to be on his way. Up until middle school, i thought it was just the way it was until i realized it was not.
On my last year of middle school, i experienced panic attacks once in a while. Not knowing what it was, i thought it was only an unpleasant emotional condition.
On my middle school graduation day, none of my family member was there to see me. I swore to myself that i would, and could, do anything on my own without relying on anyone else. I did.
On the second semester of junior year of high school, the panic attacks gradually occurred more frequently. And i had been experiencing both audial and motoric hallucination quite often, and a seldom visual hallucination as well. I told my parents about it but they didn’t believe me until i begged and bowed low down on their feet crying out loud for a medical treatment.
Since that day, my life turned upside down and my parents treated me nicely. They turned 180 degrees from who they used to be. I was spoiled, they bought me everything i wanted, they gave me everything i needed. But that didn’t change the fact that they had taken my sanity away from me. The chemicals in my brain might come to its stable condition again one day, but the crack and missing pieces in my heart would probably not.
Ever since i went back and forth to hospitals and took ridiculous amount of medications, i thought it was probably too much for me to face everything on my own. I tried to believe in my parents with the last pieces of trust that i had.
On the last semester of my high school, i left the city and went abroad to pursue higher level of education without finished the previous one. I had to leave high school with no other choice to keep moving on my education. But it didn’t work. My illness kept me suffering. I quit 6 months before my graduation and went back home with a broken heart and a broken trust built by a mother who once promised me a content life. I ran away to the last person i could believe in, a father.
A month before my father’s death, i wondered and asked a friend, who could i rely on if one day the last person i could trust was taken away by God? I had not found an answer by the time God did it.
A few weeks later, i was looking for a way out, thinking of suicide. I could not take the pain caused by my illness anymore, i could not bring myself onto taking another step on the painful path that i had been going through all this time anymore. No one was there to help. I reached out to several suicidal hotline for help but they were not helping at all. the pain was overwhelming. I decided not to take any foolish action due to the belief that God will hate me if i ever commit a suicide. Fear was the last thing that kept me living.
A few days after that, they took my father to the hospital. Not so long after that, i lost him. I lost everything that i forgot about every pain that i had had. I shut myself from everyone around me.
Last week, i got a gleeful news from the art school i applied to. I got admitted for their Fall 2014 intake. The next day my heart was shattered into thousands of pieces together with my dream and my future. Without my father, the family funds would not be able to support my education. I prayed to God for my last chance on scholarship. I looked at my mother with disgust and distrust in my eyes ever since that day.
A few days ago, my brother threw a tantrum at my mother. He yelled and she screamed back. Nothing in this house was ever right since the day father left. Not like it had been, in the first place. Everyone went back to their routines. This house was definitely too big for one person, but my heart was too full to even hold a place for my own self.
Today i found out that my mother had been suffering from a disease she got when she gave birth to me. The doctor told her that her time would come when i turn 16. I am now 19 and my aunt told me that she is getting weaker day by day from the disease that was said to be one in a thousand. The only cure to it is a high risk surgery that she did not want to take.
Maybe, maybe God will take her away from me too soon. I don’t believe in her, but she’s the last person that i have, the last person that could give me a physical home and financial support. If she ever leave, my brother would leave me as well, he’d find a way out of a burden like me. I’ll be on my own all over again, this time, without any shadow to cover me from the harsh world.
Breathing has been really hard for me lately. I shut myself from the outside world. Every day and every night i would wake up and fall asleep crying, running and screaming in my nightmares. I wished for miracles but all i got was a terrifying reality. Facts by facts hit me hard each time i figured things out. I couldn’t find a way out, not even an emergency exit. Every time i close my eyes, i wish they would never open again. I wish when they do, i would see my dad. It hurts breathing.. It hurts living.. The pain is unbearable. It’s something words could never express. There is no way someone would understand by reading this.
If only, if only someone would tell me that i deserve more than this. I wish someone would tell me that i deserve more than a broken heart, a broken home, and a broken future. So i could believe in it, and wish for it. I want to die, i don’t want to breathe anymore, i don’t want to suffer anymore, i don’t want to feel pain anymore. But i realized that in the end, all along all i wanted was to live, not to die. My feet and shoulders are tired of carrying all the weight that I was not supposed to carry. I can’t walk on my own anymore. I’m scared. It’s getting scarier for every breath that i take. I want to be saved. I want to be saved. I want to be saved. I want someone to find this post and save me. Please. Help me. I don’t want to be alone. I don’t want anyone to be taken away from me. I don’t want to feel this pain anymore. Help me. Help me. Someone save me.